please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
