I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
