Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
