I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
