I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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