this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
