If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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