you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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