There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
