I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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