Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
