dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
