he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
there was a trapeze. enough said
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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