i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We smell like vodka and hangover
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