Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
