Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
