look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
whose ass print is on the piano?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
