I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
