I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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