Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
