pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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