Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
