Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
