just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
