I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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