1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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