My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We are all done wearing pants today
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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