oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
