she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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