This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
