you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
