FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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