I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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