Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
