i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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