Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
