I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
