Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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