My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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