why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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