She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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