So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
