please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
