This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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