dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
