you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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