I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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