how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
