She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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