Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
