My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
