What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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