Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
