if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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