it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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