found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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