dude i'm inner monologue high
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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