I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
