I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
