My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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