FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
how drunk are you?
Several
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
