i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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