Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My vagina just clenched in fear
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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