We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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