You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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