I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
