You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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