dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
