I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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