my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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