I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
