Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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